Rejection has never really been a deterrent in my life. In elementary school, when I was kicked out of the cub scouts for biting, I still showed up to the den meetings. In middle school, when I was rejected from the edgy, skater kids’ lunch table for being a “poser”, I forged on by taking refuge in the bathroom stall. Even this past year, when I was rejected from the MENtor program, I coped by excessively online shopping and emotional binge-eating. So, yeah, I handle rejection very well.

However, now that I am entering the fall season of my senior year, fear of rejection has reared its ugly head. Not because of college acceptance anxiety, but because of high school dances.
I have never asked a girl to a school dance. I understand this is hard to believe, especially since I possess a winning personality (obnoxiousness), overwhelming confidence (cockiness), and an innate ability to write clever puns on poster board (which I since have been informed is “inappropriate for funerals”). Despite all of this, it’s hard out there, especially for those, like me, who have trouble in these sort of social situations. I don’t get out much. In fact, I have had more social interactions with my coatrack than with any girl from any local high school. So, I have always had a very limited pool, more like a puddle, of date options. Intimidated by this, I chose to evade any school dance.

This year is different. Now that I am unemployed and a senior, I no longer have an excuse to skip a school dance. I have tasked myself with finding a date. So far, my mission has been fruitless. As it turns out, I’m terrible at flirting-in person and online. In person, I come off as an off-putting creep. Online, I come off as a desperate creep. No matter how hard I try, “creep” remains the constant. I tried to find a female friend to go with, but then I realized that requires having a female friend. I have asked friends to set me up with someone, but I think they may respect their female friends too much to do so. Having exhausted all reasonable options, I have chosen to enlist the help of advertising. What follows is an expertly crafted personality profile that will guarantee attraction from prospective dates. Show it off to your friends, spread the word, help a brother out. Please.

Name: Luigi Raffaele Auriemma Jr, but you can call me Louie

Star Sign: Aries

Favorite Food: Saltine Crackers

Favorite Beverage: The tears I wring out of my pillowcase

Favorite Band: Anything on Radio Disney

Biggest Fear: Intimacy

Likes: Pining for attention, Pin Collecting, & Sleuthing

Dislikes: Myself

What I’m Looking For: A fellow Cha-Cha slide enthusiast that is willing to split the dinner bill.

The purpose of my personality profile isn’t just meant to garner female attention, but to also empower all those who have anxiety over finding a date. While my profile is very intimidating, it stresses the notion of putting oneself out there and doing away with any fears of rejection. Facing rejection may be scary, but doing so can create a world of opportunity that wouldn’t have been realized if you hadn’t made that leap. Have faith in yourself, pursue fun, and try your best to not end up like me.